ramblings from 27.
alt title: for the people who want to know.
and for me who kinda wants to tell them (but not really)
Last we spoke, it was March. I celebrated my birthday, i saw people i loved, i got flowers i had belly deep laughs and still. i looked around saw people who were exhausted and trying to find ways. and i knew then.
In May, I started to retreat. to say things were loud and I couldn’t hear my own frequencies. everywhere i went, every conversation something couldn’t sit quite right and it was me. June i took a step back to rearrange myself on account of all the grief, said it makes to be feeling this. you’re sinking a bit but you’re still ok.
if there was a year I tried to fuck the depression out of me this was it but all it was (all everyone saw) was bad options over and over again.
the year i flirted with addiction. it’s easy to miss - another glass past everyone/less mix in the glass//you have a thresholdit’sfine//oneshotbeforebed// i knew last year. i am, after all my father’s child.
July 31/23
this part of me does not know if i will make it through or if i will make it through in one piece. this part of me is always partially sad or always irritated, seeing things but not always trusting my gut trusting myself too much and (no such things just false voices telling you to simmer down) this part of me knows we’re deep in the depression renches and i want to cry in bed for 48 hors straight but i can’t literally i have no tears.
sept 13/23
told myself you can die tomorrow.
if you live with me long enough, you’ll learn a dirty little secret which is that i am by far sicker than i will ever appear in public.
Oct/23
Felt like
God let me go,
let me go God
like God, let me go.
let me know falling, whether I deemed it necessary or not, was going to happen and I was going to learn free fall.
to all the people who’ve asked if i’m okay but don’t really wanna know
to all my friends who wanna know but don’t quite know,
and for me who kinda wants to tell them but not really
i’ve been on the suicide track for a long time. first, when I was 12, my first cut was 14 and my first attempt at 17. the experts told me it wasn’t real because i didn’t end up in the hospital. i didn’t tell them my friends moved in with me for two weeks taking turns in keeping me alive. everybody who wants to die also wants to live. there’s a piece of Bassey Ikpi’s IMTTBUIL where she says something like “[suicide] losses leaves holes in the hearts of loved ones but also that for the brain to survive, eventually the grief leaves. those who grieve me will live without me. They must. it isn’t fair but it is honest”. i think about this line and paragraph on repeat.
[she also says i know the body, heart & spirit fight hard to stay in the book]
//
this convo with my mom where i asked my her where the engagement ring was. said she sold it after a particularly bad day, she felt like she couldn’t ask for more money but needed it. i feel like something broke in me in that moment. yes, i really wanted that ring, my dad had bought my mom two gorgeous engagement rings with the initials engraved in. it was one of their courting stories. the first one had been taken in the church. i felt an intrinsic kind of loss. i can’t explain why it encapsulates our story with money, how loss repeats itself in money, in lineage, in time, in r/ships to each other.
//
I hit a crisis point every day around mid afternoon -
I cry for days on end for no reason.
breaking my 20 month streak, i cut.
told myself you can die tomorrow.
made it through the night. made a quiet decision to not apply to grad school.
what a lonely year/loneliness gifted by others. created by myself.
Nov 9/23
Today I feel supported & grounded by a few people. it was a bit unexpected and reaffirming in that building genuine relationships work and support. I know it may not feel this good tomorrow but I have had three good days, dealt with emotional baggage and stayed grounded. grateful for these moments
woke up 6 hours later feeling very shaky and unsure. i’m really trying to stop breaking my own heart.
the insomnia renews its force. it’s minutes then hours then it’s the panic attacks before bed. then it’s jumping jacks at 2AM. then it’s awake and teary
Nov/12/23
i don’t want to give anyone anything to hold.
i’m thinking about power about how much of it i’ve given away to folks. A.W has this line where they say(paraphrased) “stop waiting to be anointed. anoint yourself”. i want to anoint myself in a balm of my power, of a sharpened gut of listening to it against the odds. i think i used to do this - that’s how i finished school when the terrors were strong & my family asked me to put school on pause. it’s what happened when I moved out solo. it’s what happened when i took on owning a company/when i stuck with the job/when i did the event.
Feel like I be been waiting the whole year - waiting for someone to pick me//waiting for the interview// waiting for the job//waiting for the case to resolve// waiting to launch//waiting to talk//waiting to be invited//waiting to be heard waiting waiting waiting
even that sounds stupid. The self actualized people around me would say why are you waiting “just”. Yeah I get it. I’m on my way there.
by Dec, that quiet discontentment grown into sharpness/ death by a thousand cuts.
my roommate leaves for the holidays. The night gear and anxiety is there and I think I might cry.I’m not sure why. maybe everyone was right to be worried no one one was keeping me alive anyway. I was am doing it for me. I don’t know what this heavy fear is on the top of my chest. I don’t know I don’t know.
[this slow thing of realizing people will always choose familial or romantic relationships as the highest priority, when capacity is lowest the 5% power up or down would come from one of those two. i don't feel this way around familial relationships. i think i’ve blurred the line of saving extra care or extra capacity for one group vs the other, it’s all the same and a lot of the times it comes back as a lack of boundaries. which yes, i can always work on. but also paraphrasing Ayaunderstood, there should be inconvenience in relationships, there is no true community without it. i border on acting in ways that society categorizes as being “in-love” with my friends. i think it’s why i unconsciously drifted towards romantic/partnerships because i thought i’d find that high prioritization there. (anyway something something. working through. off track)
Dec 21/23
made it another day/ate/eat/stretced/did some work/call my sister/rinserepeat/rinserepeat/give me rest tonight for strength tomorrow.
Dec 27/23
yesterday the madness came again. it was spinning and i was not moving.
God baptize me in sustainability & possibility.
Jan 23/24
i open twitter on a random day, Bassey Ikpi’s tweets are lined up about deciding to live and the responsibility & daily actions to self because of how it affects the people she loves. i maul this over and over
i know the stickiness is less because i can hear people when they check-in on me and offer maybe wait it out/drink water/walk etc.
feels like an almost kinda day/almost good/almost normal/almost good.
Feb/23
The night is still a little scary, i turned for four hours. still thinking about relationships, change, being seen, openness on both fronts. /how difficult it is to continue to create/redefine invisible parameters of home/ harder when that lies in people with all the changing and your shifting.
mar 6/24
look at that my friend. look up for me.